


things that aren't falling apart right now

by graywrites



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 20:01:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19893535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graywrites/pseuds/graywrites
Summary: dawn doesn't feel exactly how she should about anything, not that she has anybody to tell this to; so she pretends to work on her world history essay while wondering whether she should feel lucky, whether anybody in her life has ever thought about what it's like to be her, if she should get a new journal, and how guilty she should feel about just about everything.





	things that aren't falling apart right now

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all this is basically a character study about all the things i feel like dawn would feel but weren't fully explored? tried to put some character in it but idk. this went through three drafts and its not cause im like literate i just kept getting bored. but like dawn is a little angsty and a little in good spirits. anyways if ur a long time reader and u think im ever gonna stop slipping school based complaints into my fics ur sorely mistaken

The problem with not being real is that, real or not, you still have to write a world history paper about the Roman Empire, even if that’s the class you sleep in every day. 

Okay: this is not the universal problem with not being real. It is specifically a Dawn Problem, and only one of them on top of many. Probably not the worst, and probably not something that anybody else who’s not real has to face on a daily basis. 

Dawn realizes this, and that means she’s not exactly going to go and complain about it. But, still- nobody  _ else  _ (you know, who’s not real) has to write a world history paper this weekend. Probably. 

She does take a small comfort in knowing that Buffy, when  _ she  _ was in high school, probably had to write exactly the same paper. And that’s precisely where they stop being even. 

When Dawn was a kid, she was pretty focused on the things that Buffy got to do that she didn’t: wear lip gloss, go on dates with mysterious boys, wear clothes that were so totally against the dress code, move out for college.

If Dawn complained, as all younger sisters are entitled to do, her mom would usually tell her,  _ your time will come. _ Of course, she very abruptly stopped using those words when she found out about Buffy being the slayer, ‘cause really, who did she think she was kidding? Instead, Joyce dived into the specifics: “you can go on dates when you’re older, too.” Or, “when you go to college, you’ll live in a dorm, like Buffy.” Dawn’s mom tried not to make promises she couldn’t keep.

It’s not like Dawn ever paraded around, talking about how unfair it was that Buffy was the slayer, and Dawn was…  _ Dawn.  _ She kept that strictly to her diary, because who else was she gonna tell? Suzie down the street? 

That’s just one of the  _ many  _ problems with having a sister who’s the slayer: it’s not like you can have a whole bunch of friends. Buffy’s slayerdom is not exactly Dawn’s secret to tell, but it’s not so easy to pack bond with people when you can’t tell them your deepest, darkest secrets, all of which draw back to your sister. (Everything draws back to Buffy.  _ Shocker. _ )

Your sister is the slayer, and it’s all like, “why did I see you in the cemetery on my way home from soccer practice?” Or, “why are you carrying around so many weapons?” Any answer Dawn has for these questions is going to sound dumb, so she’s pretty much settled into most people thinking she’s weird, and the few people that don’t mind that not being able to know almost anything about her. 

Buffy has friends; she’s got more friends than she knows what to do with, because it took her less than a week in Sunnydale to spill her guts to anyone who would listen about being the slayer. If she needs to complain, she’s got people lining up to listen to her. If she’s lonely, or sad, she’s got people rushing to her side. 

Most of the people that love Buffy love Dawn, too, but it’s different. They care about her, sure, but they’re not her equals- they’re older than her, and they’re  _ Buffy’s  _ friends, first, and Dawn’s by extension. They are not people she can complain to. 

If she said, for instance, (and this is just an example) “it’s not fair that I’m me, and Buffy’s the slayer,” well, she can already hear the way their voices would swing low, how they’d put on their kid gloves to do damage control. She’d be met with worry, because she’s one more thing to fix this week, like a new baddie, or a flooded basement. She’s on the  _ Things That Aren’t Falling Apart Right Now  _ checklist, which is not really the same thing as being a person.

Of course she’s grateful to have a league of people looking out for her, but they’re still  _ Buffy’s  _ people. So if she went around complaining about things like purpose and power, she’d be immediately hit with a lecture: oh, how lucky she is, to be unburdened with that responsibility. Isn’t she so thankful that she can hang on to her youth? That nobody expects anything of her? Not like Buffy.

Sure, okay. She’s got that going for her, nobody’s asking  _ her  _ to do anything. But if it were Buffy in her place? Oh, it’d kill her. She’d go crazy, she’d be so restless. But nobody ever really considers that.

And as for a lasting childhood, an unburdened youth? Well, that’s just about all she needs to hear to know these people so clearly have  _ no  _ idea what it’s like to be her. As if, just because you’re not the one  _ doing  _ the fighting, your innocence remains completely unharmed. Like, hello, Dawn’s still doing the getting kidnapped by demons, seeing the bodies of civilians, and understanding the weight and rate of death in Sunnydale. But that seems to slip everybody’s mind; maybe it’s just ‘cause Dawn’s got so much  _ other  _ trauma to compete with it. 

Like, if you know the world is ending, but you can’t do anything to stop it, you’re still gonna be freaked out about the world ending, right?

_ Lucky _ . Jesus. Like, it’s cool if her family is in shambles, it’s fine if she’s got to grapple with being made for a purpose she never fulfilled, and it’s no biggie if she watches her sister die a painful death, as long as she’s not the one killing the baddies. Innocence in tact, great job, crew!

So, they don’t get it. And while Buffy has a troop of people that care about her for her, first and foremost, Dawn has Buffy. And that’s on good days, if there’s enough time for Buffy to be Dawn’s sister, too. If the world isn’t ending, and the drama is at a whisper, Dawn has Buffy. But not always. 

So she keeps all of the complaining to herself, because the last thing she wants when she’s feeling jipped by the universe is to be told how  _ lucky  _ she is. 

The problem is, when they look at Dawn, they see a normal teenager, which she so obviously is  _ not _ . She’s not just  _ not the slayer _ , in a general and whole sense; she’s  _ the slayer’s little sister _ , which brings its own host of challenges and inferiority complexes, which she has to grapple with all while facing down most of the same monsters and horrors as Buffy, minus all of the super-strength. 

Dawn figures she’s faced at least most of all the awful stuff Buffy has, and the only big difference she’s supposed to feel so grateful about is that she can’t do anything to help. 

So, like a little kid, Dawn’s still kind of jealous: Buffy’s got the power, the purpose, the friends. She tries not to think like this, tries to shove it down in the depths of her mind, because really, no matter how much it hurts to be all alone, being dragged out of heaven is probably worse. Clawing your way out of a casket is probably worse. 

So anything Dawn’s gonna go around whining about in her head doesn’t matter, because it’s not like she’s in hell. 

Dawn knows that, and she knows that she owes it to her sister to keep her mouth shut and not go around complaining- why? ‘Cause she doesn’t have any  _ friends _ ? Because she doesn’t get the cool  _ powers _ ? Sure, everything sucks, but Buffy still has the scars on her hands, so really, what’s Dawn gonna say?

It’s Dawn’s fault, anyways; she kind of gets that. Like, she was thrown into the world for  _ one reason _ , and even that, she couldn’t do. It’s not like she had any right to exist besides being the key, and closing that portal. Like, that was it, that was  _ all  _ she had to do. Of course she was gonna die when she came full circle and did what she was made for, because if she was meant to stick around for any other reason, she would have been born and not made and stuck into the universe fourteen years after everyone thought. 

Square peg in the round hole of the universe, huh? Of course it shouldn’t have been Buffy. But, of course, it was. Of course Buffy had to save her, and go and be the martyr. But if Dawn had just been faster, braver; that’s how it was supposed to be. Because it was  _ Dawn’s  _ blood. That’s what  _ Dawn  _ was made for, but she was too weak, and then her sister clawed her way out of a casket a few months later. 

Of course, Dawn is torn between this guilt but also this laughable bitterness: Dawn had  _ one thing _ , and Buffy took that, too. Buffy has her own destiny to contend with, but she took Dawn’s, too, just for kicks. 

(Of course, this is ridiculous: Dawn knows it, surer than anything. Of course, Buffy did it out of love, she did it to save Dawn.  _ But _ .)

The other terrible thing about not being real, aside from world history papers, is that once she missed her big chance, and let her sister die, Dawn just had to  _ stay  _ here. She was carved into the world, given a terrible burden of knowledge and a trail of tragedies, a few fake memories, and that’s it. 

She missed her big destiny, and nobody thought that maybe they shouldn’t just  _ leave  _ her there. Like, she so obviously  _ shouldn’t be here _ . If she was meant to stick around, she would have been born, or her destiny wouldn’t just be to die. 

And it’s not like you can top  _ die to save the world _ , so Dawn is pretty purposeless, all things considered. She has no reason for being, not like Buffy. (Oh, look: something Buffy has that Dawn doesn’t.  _ Shocker. _ )

Like, cosmically speaking, Dawn  _ shouldn’t  _ exist. Buffy was an only child before for a reason. Dawn kind of wonders if this is why her father seems to have forgotten she exists, altogether. (Has she ever seen him in person when she’s existed for real? She doesn’t think so.) Or maybe, it’s just that Buffy being an only child in the  _ real  _ world was very much on purpose, and Dawn is an unwelcome addition. 

Of course, Dawn should feel lucky just to be alive. She doesn’t exactly have the right to be splitting hairs, here. Except- she can’t help but think about the freedom of  _ really  _ not existing; if she’d never been made, or if she’d gotten to die, there would be no history papers. No dead mothers or sisters, no pain. Nothing hurts when you’re not real. Dawn  _ almost  _ had that. And isn’t being denied that a little like being ripped out of heaven?

(Of course, she couldn’t tell this to  _ anyone _ , not ever, because if she did, they’d be scaling the house looking for vengeance demons. Dawn’s pain has casualties, and it’s best kept to herself.)

And, then, she can’t think like that, because if she does, she really will go crazy. She’ll really be pacing in circles for hours, if she thinks too much about what could of been. And she knows the sacrifice her sister made, just for her to have this life, so she’s  _ got  _ to be grateful. She’s gotta think about all of the good parts about being alive, even if there haven’t been a lot lately, ‘cause how else could she ever repay Buffy? 

Dawn has got to be brave.  _ Shocker _ . 

Of course, she’s less than thrilled that she doesn’t get any kind of break, which is a right of passage for, apparently, everyone but  _ her _ . Buffy has up and left countless times, some of these selfish and some of these the opposite. Angel, Giles, Riley, and Dawn’s dad all went and skipped town at one point or another. Willow left to England, too, but she was gone even before that, lost in her magic. Xander left Anya at the altar, which is pretty much the most intense leaving you  _ can  _ do while you’ve still got a pulse, and Anya left for a bit after that.  _ Tara,  _ which is different, but somehow still the same. 

Really, who hasn’t left Dawn? She can’t think of anyone off the top of her head. And sure, some of these people died, but that only leaves Dawn racking her brain, because… Why them, when they belong here, and she so clearly doesn’t? Why not her? But, as per usual, she is left to grieve in their wake. 

Still, it doesn’t matter. She’s got to be strong, and live, and do everything she keeps promising everyone she’s gonna do, because, purpose or not, she can’t let sister’s sacrifice be for nothing. And all of the darker thoughts, she can keep to herself, or get a new journal, because she’s really not trying to be in the business of freaking everyone out. 

“What’re you thinking about?” This shakes Dawn from her thoughts. Buffy is standing in Dawn’s doorway, arms crossed. 

“Huh?” Dawn asked, dully, trying to blink herself out of a stupor. 

“I asked what you were thinking about. You were looking real intense over there,” Buffy observed, raising an eyebrow.

Dawn glanced down at the empty sheet of paper, with her pencil pressed down into it, but exactly zero words written. She gestured to her textbook. “History,” she answered, and somehow, it’s not a lie at all. 

“Boy, do I know how that is,” Buffy nodded with a sympathetic groan, and then she turned around in the doorway and disappeared down the hall. 

So at least they had that in common. 

**Author's Note:**

> hope u liked it! leave a review, an essay, a line u liked or why, a hate comment, whatever but like i love a good review i love a good ANALYSIS of how u think dawn feels.  
> anyways follow me on tumblr @dykedawn


End file.
